I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
