So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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