Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
