hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I think i got beer on your cat.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
