Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
