did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
