When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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