First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize