Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
