alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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