Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
