i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Is Oprah even human
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
