Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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