drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
