why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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