Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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