Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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