Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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