is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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