i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
