I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
