There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
