you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
