i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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