I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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