next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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