everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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