This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
