Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
