I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize