Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
