There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
