throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
