I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I understand Curling. That high.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
