My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
