So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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