I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
