I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
