1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I need to sanitize my soul.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
