when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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