I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
