Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
