Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
