if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
