ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
