They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
