If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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