just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
