I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
