Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
We are all done wearing pants today
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
