i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
im holly from the hills drunk
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
why is half of my head shaved?
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