So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Drunk is a universal language darling
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