Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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