you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
