I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
