and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
