I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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