u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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