Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
