My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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