And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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