As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
