If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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