I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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