i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
