I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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