i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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