i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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