So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
